Feel It

Its hard for me to express myself cause I can't protect myself when I'm exposed.

-He sees everything and feels it all too.

A Love that Doesn't Budge

I wrote this poem about a favorite Clapton tune of mine called "Old Love". In the future I might share some more of my writing but for now....

The Plug

Assumptions by definition lie unclear,

they tend to grab a hole, even steer

Sometimes senseless is what's right

Hope is real with the goal in sight

Needing a break lifting this load

A locked safe with only one code

Happily ever after, fact or fiction

the inter-turmoil that never loses friction

Like chipped paint on a wall

A skin knee when you fall

Its grips just too tight

Impossible to ignore, harder to fight

A hole in the dike that needs repair

like a crack in the windshield the size of a hair

Slowly but surely it begins to share

the stress and tension of its despair

In the Zone pt.2

Well I am happy to report that today I was back in the zone. It was awesome. I got to work with Fred, Jaricus, Marquel, Sir, and a new one Kobe. We had a great time. Coach Eric was really glad I showed up today because I pretty much took over and he chilled. He ate a huge lunch and wasn't feeling great. We went to my church and played basketball. Their eyes lit up when I showed up. They were pumped that I was back in the zone. Sir remembered our team handshake from our bowling team and he was excited to perform it once again. 

At first, we just shot around then we split up teams and played 3 on 3. I know sounds unfair. I picked up the 4th graders, Jaricus and Sir, and we played against the 5th graders. Kobe was pretty good. He was a skilled dribbler and good passer too. My teammates kept fighting with each other the whole game. Before we even started we had to sit one of them in time out and later the other. We had a good time. I didn't shoot much just passed and rebounded. I think it might have been the first game I have ever played where was the tallest on the floor and got all the rebounds. 

The 5th graders were better but we made a good game out of it. We ended up stopping at 16 a piece because of the fighting and arguing. I was very disappointed in the young-ins but what could I do. We then played an old shooting game called knock out. I only played three games. Fred won the first, I won the second, and coach Eric won the last one. I got to know Kobe a lot better because we sat out in the lobby and talked the rest of the time. It was really fun and they enjoyed it too. The kids are all great but I have to think of an exercise that makes them stop arguing, insulting and boasting the whole time. I know what comes around, goes around. Its true. Before we left, I got some pictures of me and the crew. They really enjoyed it, showing off there money wad and jewelry. It was hilarious to say the least.

 From left to right: Jaricus, Kobe, Me, Marquel, Fred, and Sir.

In the Zone

I had a great past couple days of my second spring break. My friend Eric heads up a local ministry program called Red-zone Binghampton, where he coaches sports teams and takes care of kids. Sort of like an after school program but very involved. Things went well in Red-zone Binghampton this week. I am now volunteering for Eric and I really enjoy it. Not only did I enjoy bowling, the kids and I had a blast. It was great! 

The first day I had two 4th graders from Lester Elementary School. Their names where Jaricus and Sir. They were both very cool. The first game was every man for himself. I was not very good. I bowled like a "120". The next game we split into teams. It was Sir and I VS. Jaricus and Eric. We decided to get serious and have team names. Jaricus was set on him and Eric being Team Obama. I thought it was only fitting for Sir and I to be A.I.G.. Sir was a decent bowler. We had a team handshake and everything. Team A.I.G. was a success. We won by one pin. We then switched teams and Jaricus and I won the second team game. We had a great time. we didn't get any team photos but soon I will have some good photos of my kids. 

The second day of bowling I had two 5th graders again from Lester Elementary. Their names were Fred and Marquet. They were very well behaved and really cool. Lil Fred was a good bowler. Marquet was awesome. He was a very bright kid with a huge personality. I knew immediately when I saw him smile and dance when he threw the ball that he was going to be one of my favorites. I wish I had a picture of my 5th graders. They were awesome. We played three games again. The last game we teamed up; lil Fred, Marquet, and I VS. "coach Eric" and his 4th graders. We lost because they had more people. It was 4 people on their team and we couldn't compete with that. I mingled with his 4th graders too. All the kids were great. I can't wait for this week when I get to meet more kids and see the others again.     

Thanks Chum

A week ago I was struggling to think of what to say and now its like everywhere I go, I think and feel new things. I have shed a some skin and it feels good. More than ever, I am growing confidence in my ability and what I can achieve. This blog seems to have freed some space in my head, as well as sparked some growth. Today, I went out on my first day of fly fishing. I am in Heber Springs, Arkansas. Yesterday, I was reunited with a good and long known friend of mine. He is a fly fishing guide here and his blog is in my links. So if you choose to read, fish-on. It was good to see him and he showed me the ways of the river today. I was lucky to have someone as knowledgeable about the whole scene to show me the ropes. 

Matthew, my friend, has been a long time chum of mine. We have seen each other grow through various parts of our lives. From the early teen years of identity searching, to the young men we are becoming. Not always the best and closest of friends, but consistent in keeping up with each other regularly. Similar, yet different paths. 

Today we drove down river to put in. We went about a mile or so up river to fish. We had a good time. It was a learning process for me. From learning how to cast, to refreshing my brain on tying knots for lures or flies. I guess it was about half an hour in before I caught my first rainbow trout of the day. Matthew pulled it off my line of course. My first attempt at trying to manage my own deal was a humbling experience to say the least. Lets just say, that he was laughing hysterically as my own line bit me in the hand. I got the casting thing down pretty quick. I caught a few fish within the next hour. My pride and joy of the day was a brown trout that was about 22 inches. You can check out a photo of me looking goofy and uneasy as I lost my virginity to this big fish. Just click on my pictures link up at the top right corner.

We ate lunch after I put the mammoth back in the water. PB & J, such a great sandwich when you haven't had it in a while. Matt's mother is a great host and packed us lunch on the river. I had a snickerdoodle cookie for the first time in about 6 years and oh my! Delicious! I forgot what I was missing. As the day moved on, we went up river and drift fished for a while. I was terrible at fly fishing in still water. We ended up back at our same spot at the end of the day. I got out in the water in my waiters it was an interesting experience. I felt like a real fisherman. That is when my line bit me. I was being the independent I don't need help JT. So again I took the long way home and learned the hard way. 

When we got back to the marina, Matt asked me to hold the rope and boat. The boat started to drift out and I tried to step out and it got DEEP. The water climbed chest high about to submerge my dry body in my waiters. I grabbed the boat with my feet dangling in the water. Matt was laughing so hard as he climbed to the front and pulled me up by my back straps on to the boat. It was another humbling experience considering it was in front of about half a dozen onlookers, natives. I looked like the amateur I am. We loaded the boat up and put on some old fashion Widespread Panic on as we drove back to the cabin for dinner. Kind of reminded me of when we first became friends going to see the band. I forgot how much I enjoyed them and how many great moments of my teen years are associated with their music. We stopped at a lookout to watch a forrest fire in the valley burn it was a cool sight and one I have never experienced. 

All in all, the day was a huge success. It was good to get away from the typical Memphis life. Laid back and easy on the river. We sat down to eat a home cooked meal which was delicious. Before we indulged, we bowed our heads and I thanked God for reuniting two childhood friends in the manner that he did. 

Out of Sight

Snow! Just what I needed! Snow DUMPED on Memphis last night! It was awesome! I say dumped like I know what it is like to live in Aspen or Boston. No, it was about 5 to 6 inches but it was a dumping for me. I went out and walked the streets of my beautiful snow covered neighborhood. It was quiet; no cars, no people, just me and the pouring snow. I had my ipod of course. I have to have music to celebrate such an occasion. I walked for about two hours. I walked in the middle of the street dragging my feet the whole way. I would look back and watch the tracks I left behind. I will come back to that.

I took a camera to capture the sirenity of my little journey. A million thoughts went through my head. I thought about the last time I took a solo walk in the pouring snow at night. It was about 8 years ago on spring break retreat with my school in Winter Park, Colorado. A nostalgic feeling came over me of that very night. I was at a similar point in my life, one where I was growing. Growing, in a sense that I could feel the pull from somewhere I can't explain. I remember I was listening to a song with lyrics that reflected exactly what I was feeling.

"The leaves seen through my window pane,

Remind me that it's time to change my life again.

November sun is felt by none,

A chilly breeze has blown my thoughts of what's to come."

Those lyrics played over and over in my head last night as I strolled leaving my tracks in the blanketed street. I thought about how much my life had changed since that last walk 8 years ago. As I turned around to look back at my tracks, I thought about the tracks I had left since my last stroll like this one. All the memories that I have; good and bad ones and how they have influenced who I am. What impact my footprints had on the others I have come in contact with; friends, family, aquaintances, coaches, teammates, teachers, people I have coached, people I had fun with, argued and fought with. It was sad, happy, funny and awkward. I was overcome by joy and sorrow. It all went by so fast yet slow at the same time. I closed my eyes as I looked up at the sky in the falling snow. I saw it all, as if each scene were a snow flake falling on me. It was one of the most surreal moments I have ever had. They say there is no snow flake alike and that statement had never made so much sense. Everything was so relevant to the mindset and nostalgic feeling that had come over me 15 minutes before.

I have moved a lot in my life. Been to 9 different schools, lived in 3 different apartments and 4 different houses. I think that timing is everything in life. At this point, I pulled out my camera because I needed to capture an image to remind me of this moment. This moment, I could come back to hopefully before the next eight years of my life roll by. I was looking around and timing really was everything because I knew this was my next post. I knew what he was trying to tell me.

I took a picture of a street sign, it read "Hill Restricts View". It was perfect! It is a sign I pass everyday and never think twice about it. Never again! It signified exactly what I was feeling as I traced back my footprints to that last stroll in the snow. Memories that flew by and shaped me into who I am. I guess God was trying to connect with me in a moment of obscure clarity and I think that is exactly how it happens. It made perfect sense! The times I have changed schools or moved houses, met new people, friends and foes. I never knew what it all meant and why everything happens the way it does. What fate is and why it is. That is the point. It doesn't matter what you plan or how you imagine things, there will always be some sort of turn; whether it be a shortcut, or the long way home. (I think in my case, its usually the long way home) The hill to me, represents the unknown. The unknown, that can cause a hesitant insecurity or an ambitious excitement. I guess you could say, that this stroll, restored and reformed my faith in God. I needed it and he delivered.

I have faith that no matter what happens from here on out as I move to the next chapter of my life, that God will direct me where he needs me, where I am supposed to go.

The Softest Rock

So, its been a few weeks since my last post. I have been so busy that I have been distracted from the real reason I started this blog. Today I remembered why when I saw my mom jogging down the street. I thought about how I am about to graduate from college. I took a moment to cherish these last few years of my life. The little things I take for granted that I am truly grateful for. 

Today's post is about my mother. She has been there for me always no matter what I have done. She has always been extremely real with me keeping me in check when I needed it and supporting me through every step of my life. There were some rough years when we didn't get along. She has taken care of me when I am sick. She has come up to school when I got in trouble. She has fought for me in every situation that I needed help. I guess you could say she is the general of my army. 

That famous phrase that everyone hears from their parents growing up ran through my head. "You don't see it now, but when you grow up, you will look back and understand." I hated to hear that the hundreds of times that I did growing up and I know I am not alone in that. The next thought that followed was how many times they were right and how that phrase is so true. When I was a child I lived like a GIANT. I was "the man". I could do it all, or at least I thought I could. No one could tell me how to do anything and if they did, they were wrong. The older I get the more I realize where I really fit. 

To bring this all back together, I am so thankful that my mother is. . . . . .  my mother. God gave me a great mother and I only hope that she thinks the same of me. I am proud of who she is and what she stands for. She has given me great values to live by. She is strong and has shown me how to be strong. I always grew up wanting to be like my dad because I am a man and well most men want to be men. hahahaha I think, I hope. Today, I realized how much I want to be like my mom. 

Today, I saw a hero of mine jogging down the street so I honked at her and she waived back. It was awesome.