So Nice they Named it Twice

The city that never sleeps. Its a crazy place. My emotions leave me confused about this city. Fun, exciting, refreshing and at the same time depressing, cutthroat, and heartless. The food is AMAZING. I want to move here for the food alone. No matter what you want, the best food is here. Every street corner. The word "y'all" is great up here. If said, strange looks will come upon you. Its as if you were the biggest redneck and manners= nothing. I love this city but can I be myself in it? I will be myself anywhere I go but I had someone tell me tonight at dinner that your manners will change. I hated hearing that. I love being from the south and others appreciate it too. Trust me! 

I'm at a crossroads and I need everyone's prayers. I will say that I absolutely love NY, NY. I really want to move and live here but my heart is in my home town. I've always heard that following your heart is where its at but at times it has lead me astray. I hope that in the next week or so I can make up my mind. Sometimes in life, their are moments that are just too precious to let go of. I wonder at what point do they fade, if ever? I wish more than ever I could live my dream but very few dreams come true in the here and now. I can kiss goodbye my grass and the thought of raising a dog anytime soon. The thought of saving a good portion of my paycheck.

So where to go from here? Uptown? Downtown? West village? Upper east side? Brooklyn? I hear Williamsburg is nice. The thing about NYC is there is no ceiling. The opportunity is endless and the sky is the limit. So where to cabby? Wherever we go, can we take it slow because my heart wants to slow down?

Lost? or Prolonging the Inevitable?

I had a dream last night that inspired this post today. It was similar to my walk in the snow. I haven't been posting in what seems like forever. I have been really distracted. I knew I wanted to put this into a post after waking up multiple times and then falling back into the same respective spots or memories in my dream right where I left off.

I wish I could stay here forever. I am ready to do it all over again but so different knowing what I want to take away from it this time around. 

Stuck in neutral again and again. Is everything that shimmers sure to fade? Reaching for something that is too far to hold. 

When does it lose its attractiveness? Was that really me? How special is it really? Did I imagine it in my head? Perspective, in this case, is two-fold. 

Replaceable? Substitutable? Reasonable? When does faking it become real? How long do you pretend to be something until you become it?

Which way is up when all you know is where you want to be? Which way do I go when I'm tracked in segmented succession?

Never say never? Forever my endeavor? When you have nothing to lose, how do you measure failure?

Where do I go from here? Is this forever home? When will it become comfortable again? When and how does comfortability change? Objectively or subjectively?

Its all around me. I can see it all. Like a movie I lived in, seen all at once.

Clouds of visuals with captioned lessons the whole way through. Why can't I jump in where I want to intercede? 

Retrospective vanity?

Why did I grow so much to realize how much I haven't grown? Or how much I still need to?